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Post by JackKaseyAlexander on Jan 29, 2012 20:29:11 GMT -6
Pale, shaking hands rested on the edge of one of the porcelain sinks that lined the walls of the girl's restroom. The knuckles were chapped, broken, and bloody. The drain of the sink, too, was bloody, though it wasn't from the hands which rested upon it. The blood was dripping from the owner of the hands, streaming from her nose and down her chin, and then off into the sink. The girl's green eyes were fixed on the blood, her lips slightly parted so she could breathe despite the nosebleed. It had pretty much stopped and was now beginning to dry, the last few russet drops falling into the sink.
Looking from the drain to the mirror that hung above the sink, the girl could see the beginnings of matching black eyes forming. Getting punched in the nose tended to produce that sort of thing. "My fault," she whispered, hands clenching. "It's always my fault."
Her attacker had left what felt like ages ago, leaving her to bleed, waterfall-like, from the nose in the cold, deserted bathroom. The guy had come in, demanding she take the place of his "usual girl" for...well, Jack didn't even want to think about what he'd wanted. She'd refused. She wasn't even into guys, and she had said so. So the guy had called her a dyke and punched her. And then he'd left.
He had left. No guy ever did that... They just took what they wanted. She'd lost track, really, how many times guys here had done that to her. None of them were as horrible as the one that had landed her in this place, though. That was what she saw every time it happened, every time some guy just decided she was what he wanted. It was just as bad, too. Every single time it was like she was 15 again, stuck in her best friend's basement with the one person she had trusted fully. She'd never trust anybody like that again. Never. She'd sworn it to herself. Never, ever, ever again.
Her hands had begun to tremble, her grip tightening on the sink until her chapped knuckles were white with the effort of keeping the shaking at bay. But there was only so much she could do until it got worse. The shakes traveled up her arms, through her shoulders, and down through her torso. Down through her legs and into her feet. Up through her neck and into her jaw, chattering her teeth so hard it sounded like they were going to crack and break away. She could taste the blood from her nose on her lips as her teeth chattered, her hands yanking away from the sink as a convulsion ran through her. She forced her arms around her stomach, trying to hold herself together. Her eyes screwed shut as panic began to seep into her veins. What if she couldn't stop shaking?
Tears joined the blood on her face as she sank to her knees, teeth still chattering, and pressed her forehead to the cool porcelain of the sink. She didn't even try to clench her jaw; that would only make it hurt more.
She rarely cried. Even after the boys left her alone in the bathroom when they were through, she never cried. She was stronger than that. She had to be. If she wasn't, moments like this would kill her. It was her fault she had gotten punched, just like it was her fault she had gotten raped. He had even told her it was her fault. She was ugly, he'd said. Broken, disgusting. The way he did it was the only way she was ever going to find someone to "make love" to her; no girl would ever want to touch her ruined body.
Jack was mostly relieved the boy had left. The part that wasn't relieved was worried, and the part that wasn't worried was panicking. What if the boy came back with friends? The worried, panicked part of her kept telling her how disgustingly repulsive she was, how she deserved whatever those boys would do to her if they came. Every single bit of it.
She opened her eyes slowly, tears still dripping down her cheeks, leaving streaks in the blood. Still shaking, she pulled herself to her feet. She looked in the mirror, her stomach churning as she did. Her reflection was hideous. How could she even let herself live? She was disgusting. Horrible. Ugly. An abomination.
Without completely realizing she was doing it, Jack pulled an arm away from her side and clenched her hand into a fist, slamming it into the mirror. The crack that resounded was, to a certain extent, slightly satisfying. The pain in her knuckles, too, made her feel good. The large spiderweb crack that distorted her face into a million pieces made it even better. Now her reflection was more accurate. Broken and distorted, ugly, just like she was. Tears blurred her vision for a moment and she blinked, sending the drops down her face.
The teen jumped as she heard the door open. She couldn't see it; a wall hid whoever had entered from view. Heart slamming in her chest, Jack backed away from the sink, arms wrapping around her sides again. She stopped when she felt the cold tile wall pressing into her shoulder blades, sending a shiver down her spine. Her body was shaking again, hard. What if it was the boys? Teeth sinking into her lip, Jack forced herself to keep her eyes open and wait for whoever it was to come around the corner and do whatever they were going to do to her. Maybe, if she was lucky, they'd kill her. Or maybe that would be too nice.
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Post by raja on Jan 30, 2012 18:29:42 GMT -6
The tall lanky girl rushed down the hall towards the bathroom as fast as she could. She didn't run however, fearing it would draw too much attention to herself. What she needed right now was to be invisible, which was nearly impossible for her. Being over six feet tall gets you noticed a lot. She hated the way people would stare at her whenever she walked by. She realized she was a freak who was too tall, too clumsy, and too fat.
She didn't stop when she heard a loud noise come from the women's bathroom, she was used to random noises here now. Raja only thought of the act she was going to put on to pretend she was sick. It made feel like people would judge her less if they thought she was genuinely sick. No one has pity for the girl who shoves her fingers down her throat.
A big sigh fell out of her right before she entered the bathroom. Using her whole left side to push the door open, she stumbled in. The first thing she noticed was a broken mirror with pieces of glass in the sink mixed with semi-dried blood. Her eyes followed the few droplets of blood on the ground to a pair of slightly worn shoes. Her gaze quickly shot to the girls face. Blood had begun to dry under her nose. Raja stood there for a few seconds, almost paralyzed. This wasn't what she was expecting to be behind the door. Really she was just hoping it was her imagination, and that no one would be in there at all. She was half expecting to have to fight someone, but this girl didn't look like she wanted to fight. Raja didn't feel threatened by her at all, which was odd seeing as she always felt threatened.
By the time she snapped out of her trance-like fixation on the girl, she didn't realize how much time had passed. Then the full feeling came back to her. The self-hatred and anxiety came back too. She placed a hand on her stomach and started walking again towards one of the toilets. "Sorry" was all she could manage to spit out. With her free hand she grabbed on of the bigger pieces of glass in the sink and stuck it in her pocket real fast; her old blade was getting rather dull. She took another look at the girl to she if she had noticed and put her head back down.
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Post by JackKaseyAlexander on Jan 30, 2012 21:14:22 GMT -6
Jack felt momentary relief when another girl entered the bathroom. Maybe if this girl stuck around, the boys wouldn't come back. Or maybe they'd both end up in trouble.
...Or the girl would go pick up a shard of glass. Eyes widening, Jack pressed herself further against the wall, nails digging into her arm. Fear shot through her like white-hot pain, racing from her brain to her toes in a matter of moments. What if this girl hated her for some reason? Jack had done her best to stay out of everyone's way. Had she managed to make an enemy anyway? "N...no.." The word was barely audible, tears falling faster down the pale girl's cheeks. She swallowed hard, tasting the blood that had made it's way into her mouth.
Without completely realizing she was doing it, she jerked sideways, away from the girl and toward the sink. Unfortunately, she had been standing on one of the beat-up strings that were meant to keep her shoes on, making her stumble. Her hands flew from her sides, reaching out into the air to try and stop her body from falling. She hated the sensation falling gave her. It was like someone was trying to hold her up by her stomach while they shoved the rest of her toward the ground. Horrible.
Her hands brushed against the slick porcelain of the sink, this one free of blood. At least, it was until Jack's cheekbone struck it, the girl whimpering in pain as the floor brought her descent to an abrupt halt. There wasn't glass on the floor by this sink, thankfully, or Jack would have more to worry about. Her fear of the other girl attacking her with the shard of glass was greater than the pain she was in, however, and the brown-haired girl pulled her legs in toward her torso, covering her head with her hands as she shook. "Don't....d-don't hurt me..." Her hands knotted in her choppy hair, yanking hard at the roots. Her cheekbone felt like it had split open, sticky red blood covering the bare skin the nosebleed hadn't. Oh well, she thought. What does it matter if I bleed to death? If that girl attacks me with the glass, I'll be dead anyway.
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Post by raja on Jan 30, 2012 22:00:34 GMT -6
What the fuck just happened? Raja thought. One minute she was heading to the the bathroom to puke her guts out, and the next the cute bloody girl is on the floor! She stood there stunned for a second. When she heard the girl say 'don't hurt me' she was bewildered. Raja crouched down and put both hands on the ground to stable herself.
"I'm not going to hurt you, I swear," she said looking right into the girl's eyes. The only time she could ever hurt someone was if they were attacking her or if they had hurt her before. No way could she hurt someone she didn't even know. She felt a little hurt by the fact anyone thought she could do something like that. You're a bad person, and she can tell that obviously. Why do you got to fuck everything up? She shook her head to make the thoughts go away for the moment so she could concentrate on the girl for the moment being.
There wasn't a good thing to say at this moment to make it all better. She was terrible at talking to people. She was better at doing things for people. Like holding people when they cried, or punching someone in the face for someone else, or having sex with someone she didn't necessarily want to. No wasn't really an option for her when someone would ask and ask and ask until she felt guilty enough to say yes. It is what one does when they like someone, right? Or when someone is really nice to her...
Suddenly she was fourteen again, laying on the bed with one of her guy friends. He had told her no matter what, he'd always be there for her and that he should be there for him too if he ever needed her. Raja agreed, not really knowing what he meant. The hours following that compressed in a few split seconds, was enough to make her whole body shake for a moment.
She turned her attention back to the girl. She hoped that she hadn't hurt herself too bad. Raja hated to see other people get hurt. It only made her want to hurt herself even more. She bit her lower lip and waited for the girl to respond.
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Post by JackKaseyAlexander on Jan 30, 2012 22:20:46 GMT -6
Jack watched the girl come closer, her body still shaking. She had her jaw clenched so her teeth wouldn't chatter. It was working for now, but she could just feel that it wouldn't be working long. Things just worked like that.
She wouldn't hurt her? Jack wanted to doubt the girl, but the way the girl was looking at her made her doubt the need to doubt. Maybe...maybe she was serious. There were a few people, after all, Jack had met that hadn't wanted to hurt her. She didn't really understand it. "Why?" she whispered, tears falling from her green eyes. "I deserve it." And she did. She'd told the guy no, and she deserved whatever hurtful thing he or any other person did to her. She wasn't worth it, she was just good for being used.
Speaking had relaxed her jaw and it was now chattering audibly, her nails digging into her skull as she fought to get the shaking under control again. That was all she was good at: losing control. She whimpered unconsciously, pulling her limbs in tighter. It was times like these that she wanted everything to stop. Her shakes, her mind, her breathing, her heart. Everything. If it all stopped, she wouldn't be in pain any more. It would be over.
She wasn't sure if her cheek was still bleeding or not. Her face was so covered in blood she couldn't tell what was old and what was new. Jack knew she would have two black eyes and a new scar after this whole ordeal was over. Whatever, it would just match the ones on her arms, or the ones on her stomach that she had made with her nails, or the ones in her mind. Her body would match what her mind looked like. Then again, maybe her body would be in a better state.
Deciding to give the girl the benefit of the doubt, Jack swallowed hard and opened her mouth, trying to talk past the chattering in her teeth. She couldn't at first, simply clamping her jaw closed again. A minute later when she tried to speak, she had slightly better results. "C...can y-y-you grab me-e a pape- tow'-l?" She didn't know if she would be able to bring herself to sit up and use the paper towel for what she intended to use it for (cleaning up the blood on her cheek and making sure it stopped bleeding), but...at least if the girl went to do that it would give Jack a second or two to try and calm herself down.
Not that attempting that ever worked really well.
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Post by raja on Jan 30, 2012 23:17:23 GMT -6
How could she deserve it? The girl did nothing to her. She didn't look like a bitch to Raja. In fact, she looked like someone that kept to herself most the time. She didn't seem like a threat in any way, except maybe to her own health. Then again, Raja couldn't really blame her for that one. At least hers was an accident.
She got up to get the bloody girl some paper towels. Raja wet some of them so she could get the dried blood off too. She sat down cross-legged less than a foot away in front of her. "I don't like to hurt people" she tried to say in her most soothing voice. "I'm sorry if I scared you." She looked around for a bit not knowing what else to say. She picked at her shoe that was falling apart for a bit. Maybe she could have given her a hug or something, but she didn't know how the girl would react. Raja preferred that the girl didn't get hurt because of her anymore.
She felt the fullness come back to her stomach now that no one was in imminent danger. She wanted nothing more than to throw up, but she knew she couldn't leave the girl alone. That was what the glass was for. Once she was sure the girl was fine and one of them left she would slice open her hips, since that was where the food was going to go. If she couldn't hurt herself one way, she would have to deal with it another. She never deserved food, she didn't understand why she kept thinking she could get away with it. Food was one of her biggest enemies for the longest time. But having and eating disorder is not like having an addiction. If someone was addicted to drugs, they would simply stop using them and all would be well. But food was necessary for her to survive. She could never get away from it and it killed her every day.
Food controlled almost every thought that she had anymore. Whenever she made a mistake about anything, whether or not it was relevant, she blamed it on the fact that she was fat. She knew she wasn't really fat, but she also knew she still had enough fat to be noticeable by everyone. She quickly placed her hand on her collar bone and started to rub it. She didn't know why, but it seemed to calm her down. It was like if she knew the bone was still there to feel then she could be somewhat sane for the moment.
"You going to be ok?" she asked. As she thought about that question, she didn't know if she was asking the girl or herself that. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. It was sort of soothing to herself, she didn't feel so exposed. She hated feeling vulnerable. Whenever she felt that way, she would get kinda twitchy until she did something about it.
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Post by JackKaseyAlexander on Feb 2, 2012 22:12:51 GMT -6
Gratefully accepting the paper towel without a word--her teeth were still chattering--Jack did her best to wipe the blood off her face. Her hands were, however, shaking too hard for her to do much good. She managed to make it more painful and sop off the thickest line of blood, but not much more. Letting the paper towel fall to the ground, the girl couldn't help the whimper that left her lips. She hated this. She hated her body for reacting the way it did to everything. She hated her mind, for making her body's reactions worse. She hated herself, for being the cause of all of this. Because, in the end, it was her fault.
If Jack hadn't been shaking so hard, she would have considered laughing at the girl's question. Was she going to be okay? The thought was insane, really, that she would ever be "okay." She had pushed herself up into a sitting position to wipe the blood off her face and was now leaning against the wall, legs pulled up tight against her chest. She wrapped her arms around her knees, laying her forehead against them. Her fingers tightened spasmodically as she shook, leaving red scratch marks along her legs.
It took a few moments for her to realize she still hadn't answered the girl. She should probably do that, if she could manage to talk without biting off her tongue. "I...I n-nev--er am..." The broken, distorted sound of her own voice made Jack want to cringe. She sounded so weak, so childish. She wasn't either of those things. She was useless and ugly and broken, but she wasn't weak or childish. Another whimper left her throat as she shook again, her nails digging into the skin of her legs as she fought to control the shaking.
Make it stop, she wanted to beg. Just kill me. But the girl had already said she wouldn't hurt her. Jack wasn't going to turn around and beg to get the shit beat out of her. "W-why would I b-b-be here if...if I w-as?" Again the sound of her voice disgusted her. How could she even let herself speak? She curled up tighter, clenching her jaw as tightly as she could.
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Post by raja on Feb 14, 2012 23:47:23 GMT -6
The girl did have a point. Nobody in here was OK. It was a dumb question to ask, but it's something everyone asks. It's a filler question for people who don't want to think. She wasn't good at coming up with things to say, talking just wasn't her thing.
Whenever she got close enough to someone to trust them to tell them her secrets, they'd always disappoint her. They wouldn't understand. They'd either try really hard to identify her, which would just piss her off because they'd have it all wrong, or would just freak out on her. People have yelled at her, threatened her, and even broke off their friendships with her over things she couldn't help. She wouldn't dare tell people what she thought nowadays. If her thoughts didn't make sense to her, how could she explain them to someone who's not even going through the same things? Her logic worked for her, and her alone. If only this girl knew what she really came in the bathroom for, she'd probably freak out.
She thought a lot about what other people would think if she just randomly told them she made herself throw up. 'Oh, you're so skinny! How do you keep all the weight off?' 'Well you know, I just never keep anything down. Yep, I puke it all back up!' She'd say it with a smile on her face too, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do. She could just imagine the look of horror that would sweep over their faces. Or maybe she could show them her scars, that'd get them going.
"Sorry, guess I'm not good at the whole soothing thing." Raja said as she brushed her hair out of her face. "I should have said are you badly hurt?" She was mad at herself for scaring the girl shitless. She always messed things up. If it wasn't for her, the girl would only have a blood nose. She clenched her fist in anger at herself, digging her nails in as far as they could go. The girl probably wouldn't like it much if she brought out the piece of glass and started tearing into he own skin right there, so this would have to do. After a while she would have to press down harder to keep feeling the pain because she would get used to it, but the feeling after she released her hand was amazing. She loved the feeling right after a cut, she could feel the chemicals from her brain rushing through her. It was like a five second high. All the bad thoughts escaped her of the brief moment, then they would come surging back to tell her to do it again and again and again until she looked back at her body and realized what a mess she made. The awful guilt would soon follow. It was a vicious circle she didn't know how to escape.
She looked back at the trembling girl and asked if there was anything else she could do to help her, fist still clenched. If she couldn't make herself feel better, maybe she could at least make this girl feel not so frightened. Maybe she could do something right for once in here pathetic life.
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Post by JackKaseyAlexander on Feb 23, 2012 20:15:05 GMT -6
Self-hate ran through Jack’s veins, the brief silence only amplifying the sound of the girl’s thoughts. It was like she could think louder when it was quiet. Like her mind was a cavern, and her thoughts were being shouted by people and echoing, over and over and over, again and again, until they were drowned out by the next thought. It felt like hours before the sound of the other girl’s voice penetrated the green-eyed teen’s ears, pulling her out of her pool of self-hatred, at least partially.
“It’s f…fine…,” she mumbled, her jaw aching as she moved it. She would rather not speak at all, but she didn’t want the other girl feeling bad because she was always too busy hating herself to at least try to pretend that maybe the girl was helping her. It’d be nice to do, considering the girl had probably not expected to come in here and find some wretch bleeding everywhere and bawling. Didn’t Jack have more consideration than to bother someone’s private time in the bathroom? Clearly, she didn’t. “’s not like an’body…w..would wanna help me…anyw-ay…”
All the emotions felt like they had drained out of her, her tears ceasing to fall. Like Jack was just an empty shell now, and all her emotions were laying on the floor in her pool of blood and tears. It didn’t really matter to her; she was, in her own opinion, better off not feeling, anyway. She hated how, whenever she allowed herself to feel things, all she felt was pain. It got old and annoying, after a while. She didn’t want to feel at all. She didn’t want to deal with the pain and depression and anger she felt.
“Bu…but…” Didn’t she at least owe the girl some form of thanks for trying to help? She would seem like an ungrateful bitch if she didn’t thank her. “…t-thanks…for…for trying…” Jack’s shakes had started to subside, causing her arms to convulse less often. They were never really not there, but sometimes they were far enough between that Jack could convince herself that they were.
She put her hands under her body, pushing upwards. Elbows shaking as she forced herself into an upright position, Jack had an almost unbearable urge to be held and coddled like a little girl. Like when she was little, after having a bad dream. The only difference was that this time her terror wasn’t caused by a bad dream. It was very, very real.
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Post by raja on Apr 9, 2012 19:47:19 GMT -6
Staring at the girl's gash, Raja realises her hands are still clenched. She looks down at them and slowly releases her grip. It's hard to move her fingers after they've been in the same spot for so long. Deep red, almost purple marks are left on her palms where her fingernails were digging into her skin. Carefully clenching and unclenching her fists, she regains feeling in her fingers.
She looks back up at the girl and says, "I want to help you. I'm not a heartless bitch. I like to help people. Let me help you." She stared intently into the girl's eyes to let her know she meant it. for a second she hesitated when she felt like she should put her hand on the girl's arm, but then she decided to do it. Raja was tired of being scared to do things. She decided right then that she was tired of not living life the way she wanted to. If people get pissed off at her, so be it. No more was she going to hide who she is to make other people happy. Fuck people, she thought, if I wanna put my hand on this girl so be it. I don't even care if she hits me.
Maybe if she just let someone, this one girl in, things could be different. Maybe different in a good way for once. Or maybe she is batshit crazy, and she's expecting way too much out of this girl she just met. This girl who had a freakout moment when she picked up a piece of glass. Yep, she's crazy. With that thought, she retracted her pale, spidery arm from the girl's warm skin. She should know better than to trust anyone, especially anyone in here. She can't even trust herself. No one is to be trusted under any circumstances, no matter how warm and cute. And with that thought she went back to digging her nails back into her skin, this time with the intent to draw blood.
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Post by JackKaseyAlexander on Apr 10, 2012 12:29:28 GMT -6
Jack could feel the dark edges of depression weighing down on her, shoving her towards her darkest thoughts. She didn't know how to stop it. She usually just let them take her over, do what they wanted with her. It wasn't like she was worth fighting for. She never saw herself as a person of much worth.
When Raja's hand landed on her arm, Jack felt the thoughts go away, just the slightest bit. The touch wasn't cruel or threatening; it was gentle. Jack had almost forgotten what a gentle touch felt like. Her shivers and shakes receeded just a little, comforted by the touch of the other girl. She hadn't thought that just a touch could do so much, be so comforting. Jack found herself wanting the other girl to wrap her arms around her and pull her close, tell her it was okay, that she was safe. Even if she wasn't really safe. Just hearing the words might be able to trick her body into thinking she was okay, at least for a little while.
When the hand withdrew, Jack almost started crying again. She didn't want the wonderful contact to go away, to leave her in the darkness. "D...don't..." Jack reached out, slowly, her arm jerking and shaking, fingers unclenching slowly and painfully. "Do...don't leave me here..." Her hand clenched again as she touched Raja's leg, her fingers gripping the fabric of the girl's pants. Jack sat up slighlty, inching a little closer to the girl. She leaned her head on the floor next to the girl's knee, the cold floor feeling even icier than it had before because she had lost the warmth of the girl's skin. "Please..."
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Post by raja on Sept 9, 2012 21:56:24 GMT -6
What the fuck? When did she get on the ground? And when did I say I was leaving? As Raja thought this she instinctively started running her hand through the girl's soft brown hair. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay right here with you. I promise." Fuck. Why did I have to promise this girl anything? Why do I have to be so nice? Life would be so much easier if I was an asshole. Now I'm going to have to wait forever to cut.
As she thought about how long it would be before she could cut again, she started to panic. The more she thought about it, the more she panicked. She had to calm down. Something, anything to take her mind off of it. She started to tap each of her finger tips on her thumb one by one while counting out 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. She thought she heard the girl say something but couldn't tell for sure so she kept counting. 1-2-3-4. She noticed there was some paint chipping off the wall behind the girl that she couldn't see before when she was sitting up. It almost looked like something recognizable, but not quite. 1-2-3-4. She looked over at the sink where she found the broken glass earlier. The parts that were still on the wall looked ascetically pleasing to her eyes. Then she thought briefly about rubbing her wrist against all the points that were left up there. A shiver went through her and she had to turn away. 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4.
How long had it been since she last talked to the girl? She immediately looked down to make sure she wasn't dead. Good. 1-2-3-4. She turned attention to a bird she thought she could hear outside. She longed to be outside. The feel of grass in her feet, the smell right after the rain, how muddy she would be right after the rain. How her mom would scold her for being all muddy and dirtying up some stupid expensive dress her mom forced her to wear when she was young. How she would play by herself all day because no one would play with her, not even her parents.
Raja snapped back when she thought she heard the girl say something again. It might have been her imagination. It tends to fuck with her a lot. Whatever, I'll hear her eventually, she thought. 1-2-3-4. She drifted off again into random meaningless thought.
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Post by JackKaseyAlexander on Sept 9, 2012 22:25:03 GMT -6
Raja's hand in her hair was more comforting than anything Jack had felt in her entire life. She felt her body relax some, her head going to rest on the knee of her comforter. Her shaking breaths came a little easier, her harsh jerks calming to slower, less violent twitches. Her pale lips moved, forming the words "thank you" without sound. A tear streaked down her cheek at the girl's words, her hand tightening it's grip for a moment before loosening. Even though Jack didn't really know Raja, she was glad for her presence.
When the girl's hand stopped moving Jack's heart skipped a beat, the fear creeping back into her veins. Had she done something wrong? Was the girl going to leave her alone again? She didn't want to be alone. Her heart picked up, her twitches getting stronger again. Swallowing hard, Jack blinked quickly. She pushed herself into a semi-sitting position, feeling her eyes fill with tears. She inched closer to the girl, noticing she had seemed to sort of space off.
Jack leaned into the girl, burying her face in the girl's neck. She had all but crawled onto the girl's lap, her arms wrapping around the thin girl and holding her tight. She wanted Raja to hold her, too. "I'm sorry," Jack whispered, a tear tracing its way down her cheek.
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Post by raja on Sept 9, 2012 22:50:42 GMT -6
1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. Raja was still in deep thought when all of a sudden she felt something brush against her neck. She jerked her head back and her jaw collided with the girl's head. She instantly grabbed the girl and pulled her in close feeling way bad. "I'm so sorry!" she said as she rubbed the part of the girl's head that she hit. Great, so now I'm beating the shit out of this poor girl. What the fuck's wrong with me? She sort of rocked while holding her, in a kind of nurturing way. She was batter at making other people feel good than making herself feel good. She wasn't really good at that at all. There wasn't very much that made her feel better. Cutting did, but she obviously couldn't do that now.
She did like talking to people, but not very many people wanted to talk to her. Or if they did, it was about their problems, not hers. Whenever she would try to talk about hers, they'd stop talking to her. So she stopped talking about anything to do with her personal life. She kept a journal back home that she wrote in sometimes, but she forgot to bring it with her. Now she hasn't really had any sort of way to get out what she's been thinking. I guess I really do need to be in here. I'm pretty fucking crazy. Ever since I've gotten here all I've thought about is cutting and purging and how much I've been eating. I don't remember the last rational thought I've had. She looked back at the girl and tried to give her a smile, but it came out rather weak. Where did my energy go?
All of a sudden she started to feel rather hot. The room looked rather fuzzy, and she felt sick to her stomach. Her head felt so dizzy she had to take her hand off the girl to put it on the ground for support. The room grew darker, and she couldn't hear anything. She felt her body slump to the ground and then everything went black
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Post by JackKaseyAlexander on Sept 10, 2012 9:07:06 GMT -6
Without meaning to, Jack flinched as the girl's chin knocked against her head. She made a noise, sort of a quiet, stifled whimper. Then Raja was pulling her closer, holding her tight against her body. Jack felt herself beginning to relax again, the wonderful sensation leaking through her veins like a sedative. Her breaths came in short, choppy gulps as she tried to calm herself down. Raja shouldn't have to deal with her being all freaked out and shit. Jack was a big girl, she could take care of herself.
Or could she? She seemed pretty weak and dependent right now. But it felt good, to have someone comfort her. Why hadn't she ever been able to let other people comfort her before now? Why had it been so hard? It seemed so easy now. Maybe it was just because she felt like she could trust Raja.
Just as her shaking had stopped completely and Jack was trying to think of what to say, she ended up...on the floor again? The cold, icy tiles were a shock to her skin. What happened? Did Raja shove her away? Jack's eyes shot up, expecting the girl to be walking away. She said she wasn't going anywhere!
And...she wasn't. She was lying on the floor, unconscious.
What?!
Jack's heart skipped a beat. What if she was...was... Tears instantly started pouring down her face. Raja couldn't be dead! Jack needed her. Like, really needed her. Nobody had ever made her feel that way. It had only been for a little while, but...but that had meant a lot to her! She couldn't just die now! "Raja..." Jack's voice sounded foreign to her ears, broken and weak. She inched closer to the girl, placing a shaking hand on the girl's brow. "Wake up," she said, her fingers moving through the girl's hair. "Please...don't be dead...I need you...please..."
She leaned forward, pressing her forehead to the other girl's. Jack's shoulders shook as she sobbed, panic overtaking the sedating calm she'd felt a few moments before.
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